October 24, 2009

So… haha, oops! Two months later…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged *facepalm*, BABIES!!!, bad stuff, D, duh!, fail!, good stuff, I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow... promise., it sucks to be me, Lamb, mixed emotions, Oh happy day!, QaF, school, thesis at 3:03 AM by ilearnsomethingnew

Haha, oops. i wuz bad.

Anyway, I’ve learned lots of things in the last two months, good and bad, and that’s not counting classes. Just good life stuff. Here it goes (and most of these are going to need a lengthy explanation, so get ready).

Las cosas buenas:

• The biggest thing, and perhaps the most important so far, is that despite what people will tell you, and how much they will try to convince you that professors (especially at the graduate-school level) are evil, soul-crushing bastards, they’re really not. They’re human, too, and very capable of acting like it. I had five assignments due in the last two weeks, three of which were late, and one of those was a week late. My professors from those classes accepted my work without deducting points for lateness. The reasons I was given: 1) “It happened to me too in the last few weeks, so I decided not to take off points. Hopefully I’ll be caught up in the next week, too.” and 2) “I got a message that you missed last week for personal reasons, and I figured the late homework might be because of that same reason, so I opted not to take off points.” I think I’m in love with these people, real people, who understand that life happens, and sometimes it’s okay. Lesson: PhDs are people too.
• I have another food-service job that I’m absolutely IN LOVE with, even if not with all my coworkers. I missed the thrill of the rush, and even though I’m just (literally) flipping burgers and running fryers, it’s fulfilling enough for the moment, those fifteen hours per week added on top of school, and it keeps me entertained. “Idle hands…” and all that. Lesson: There are apparently two phases in my life: working food service, and about to be working food service. Ad nauseum.
• I can indeed still lose weight when I really want to. I know that most of the times I’ve tried in the last few years, I didn’t really want to do it, because all of a sudden, I’ve lost thirteen pounds in the last month. I “diet” or whatever about four or five days a week, and eat whatever I want (within reason) the other two or three days. Lesson: I’m going to look fabulous very soon. 😀
• Somewhere along the way, I’ve almost completely stopped criticizing myself. I’m not sure why, or what changed, but it’s been cool. I think that, because I’m happy here, for the first time in perhaps a very long time, I like myself more. Lesson: I’m happy. And that’s great, because…
• MEN HAVE STARTED NOTICING ME!!! And it’s lovely! There’s this beautiful man from work named Sky who flirts shamelessly with me, and it’s a nice feeling… and there are more. A random stranger (either black or mixed) told me I had beautiful eyes today, and that I must have gotten lucky with the good genes because he wishes he had my green eyes. Whoa, mama! What’s up with that? Not that I’m complaining, but DANG! And he was beautiful, too. Another guy I work with, who’s from Pakistan, told me today that he’s very surprised that I’ve never had a boyfriend because I’m intelligent (which he listed first – nice) and well-spoken, among other things. Then he said, “You should go out,” to which I replied, “I’m going to, as soon as I can!” Duh. Lesson: The male half of my species may, in fact, have a chance of liking me. Wow.
• I’m doing well in school, far better than I’d hoped back in July when I realized I was coming to school in the fall, and far better than I had done at Truman in a long while. I’m not loving living in the dorm, but it’s nice that the federal government is supplying me with a place to live and a meal plan that is to die for (at least until I have to pay back those loans, but with the amount of time I’m going to be in school, I’ll be dead before it becomes time to repay those). Lesson: I’m not a complete idiot.
• I learned how to copy obtain music from the internet, and have greatly added to my music library songs that I have never heard by bands I have never heard but really like (Lamb, Vedera, Des’ree, Amy MacDonald, Thom Yorke, etc.). Lessons: I apparently still don’t feel bad about not having paid for this music, but it’s really good, so yay.
• Queer As Folk isn’t actually that bad. Lesson: ‘Nuff said,
• I can work a QWERTY keyboard on a cell phone. Wow. Lesson: My fingers aren’t as ungraceful as I’d thought.
• Amanda and John had their baby! Welcome to the world, baby James! He’s a month old already. Yikes! I can’t wait to meet him! Lesson: Babies deserve every sentence about them to end with exclamation points! !!!
• I had a birthday. Yes, I’m 23. w00t. I did spend my birthday alone in my room that night, though, which was sad, but yeah. Megan sent me a card, and I still felt loved. Lesson: Birthdays become quieter as you get older, but it’s okay. People still love you.
• I have a topic and direction for my thesis. Yay! I think. It’s going to take some hammering out, but at least I have some idea of where I might be going next. Lesson: The M.S. may still be possible for me to obtain.
• Piled Higher and Deeper. Since I didn’t get my BullSh*t in psychology (I got my BA, or, as cdean would call it, my BadA$$), the MS (more of the same) sounds really cool, therefor meaning that the thing that is, in fact, getting PhD (piled higher and deeper) is a good thing. Thanks, Margot. Lesson: Never get your BS when a BA will do just as well. It sounds cooler when you get to those advanced degrees.
• My professors have been having department-wide parties at their houses. It’s the strangest thing. I’ve never been in a place where it was cool to fraternize with your professors outside the school setting, much less hanging out with them at their house, but next Friday we’re having a Halloween party at Dr. Marsh’s house. Lesson: I don’t know. I’m at a loss on this one.
• I can fly, but I want his wings. I can shine, even in the darkness, but I crave the light that he brings, revel in the songs that he sings… my angel, Gabriel. Lesson: Lamb is good, and I’m not talking about the OTHER other white meat.

Y ahora, las cosas malas: (but I’m not going to focus on these too much – I’m in a good mood and don’t particularly want to change that fact)

• Never, but NEVER hang out with a married man alone! There’s a guy in my program here (let’s just call him D for now) who is married. Okay, that’s cool. He’s 37. No problem. He’s been in the military, stationed in Korea, and his wife of four years is still there, and won’t make it stateside until December or January. *yawn* He’s verging on being pushy with me, wanting me to spend time with him and go places with him. Not so cool, but as long as his wife is okay with me hanging out with him (which he assured me she was) that’s still okay-ish. D lied to her about it, and she is not, in fact, okay with it… EPIC LIFE FAIL!!! I hate being lied to, because I’m very naïve, and don’t often know when people are lying to me (and I can’t really lie to other people very convincingly, so!), so when I find out I’ve been lied to, I feel ultimately betrayed. The thing I think I would value most in a relationship (whenever I finally get into one) is honesty, and the fact that D has lied to his wife (more than once, if I’m right) about ME? Not cool, man. And the fact that he’s gotten loud and forceful about it makes me suspicious. I understand, she’s from an Asian culture and is naturally more submissive, because that’s what her culture expects of women, but I am an American woman, and have a few more cojones than other women. I don’t back down very often, certainly without a reason, but sometimes I feel… not threatened, exactly… but like I need to avoid conflict and just go with it. I mentioned it to an older friend, and she said she wonders what it is about him that makes me act different like that, and she said something profound that I hadn’t thought of: Maybe I subconsciously know something about D that would make me act out of character around him, and not want to deny him. For me, it’s just friendship, and I’m not sure what it means to D, but I categorically refuse to be *that* woman, the one who comes between a man and woman. Home-wrecking is not a talent I want added to my resumé, thank you very much! There was an incident in particular, on October 5, where he made me go out to eat with him. We had gone to a winery with some of the faculty and other graduate students, and I had never been there so I rode with D. He grew up in the area, so he knew where he was going. He had some to drink while there, but I didn’t touch any (not really a big fan of wine), and he asked if I would feel okay with driving back to campus. I said that was fine, but since the cafeterias were going to be closed by the time we got back, he promised to take me to get some food, like drive-thru fare. I politely declined, but on the way back, he started insisting that we stop and get real food – he wanted Applebee’s, which is a little more pricey than I was comfortable with having him spend on me, but he started putting me on a guilt trip about how he really wanted to eat there, and would be making him eat there alone if I didn’t go with him, and how could I? I know by now that if I’m not comfortable with something, it’s probably the wrong thing to be doing, but I relented and we went there. He kept drinking. It was ridiculous! We ended up being there late, and we both had class in the morning, and homework due, and yeah, I had fun with him, but it was while we were out (and he was well-wined) that he admitted to lying to his wife about me. I kind of laughed it off, but when I got home I gave it a good long thought, and realized that if D was willing to lie to a woman halfway around the world to spend time with me away from people we knew, just the two of us, he might be thinking something different than I was. I really haven’t talked much to him since then, not unless I had to, and have only spent time with him around our classmates, but that’s tough because we’re on the same research team and have, literally, all the same classes together (small program = limited course options). *sigh* I don’t think that D should have to spend all his time alone just because he’s married, but I think that dishonesty is unacceptable, and I feel like I’m running around with a married man behind his wife’s back (even though I know I’m NOT), and that’s not a feeling I’m cool with. We’ll see, but yeah. Lesson: I promised not to dwell on the negatives too much, but this one bears repeating, too: Never, but NEVER hang out with a married man alone! The rest are short. No worries.
• Bills. Lesson: They don’t stop just because I’m in school. Suck.
• My rings are getting too big. Between the weight loss and the cold, sometimes I lose them. Lesson: It’s not really bad, but it’s inconvenient.
• My RNC water bottle exploded in my bag this week, fortunately right after I’d pulled my computer out of it, but dang, it was close. Lesson: Never let Libertarians give you political paraphernalia! Jk, Cait. I loved it until it exploded. I’ll miss the little blue elephant staring at the guy behind me in stats class. 😛
• The mess in my room is about to go on the attack, and it’s making me nuts. Lesson: Stop coming home and passing out every day, and clean the room once in a while.
• Yeah, I’m still a procrastinator. Blah blah blah. Lesson: Some things never change.
• My suitemate has been coughing like crazy the last several days, and I know she doesn’t wash her hands every time she goes to the bathroom (or wipe, and she regularly tinkles on the seat – GAH!!!), and so the germ situation in our shared bathroom isn’t helping my phobia of all things gross. Lesson: People are gross. Now, why did I ever stop believing that, again?
• ¡Yo echo de menos de España como loca! Ay, que era allí ahora misma. Que triste. Lección: Nunca vayas a un lugar que te encanta y espere quedarte el mismo. ¡Nunca!

Well, this is all I can think of for now. I’ll write more later, and hopefully I can keep up this time. 😛

Y ahora… ¡¡¡A DORMIR!!!

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